She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You made out with two different species that night
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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