I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
