I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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