ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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