On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
