On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
