Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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