I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize