I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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