if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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