I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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