Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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