i permit you to call me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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