I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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