it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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