dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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