Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
