sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
