I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
