so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
