I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
