I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
