Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I am spending my child support on dildos
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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