I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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