Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
