i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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