Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
