trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
