I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
