the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
