Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
