Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
