this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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