i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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