Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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