farters have to be the big spoon...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
