brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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