But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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