My liver just broke up with me...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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