I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Less talking, more tequila
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
