I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i will never coherently bang her
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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