Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
