Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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