I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize