dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
