Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
