If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
