my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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