I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Please don't give away my fajitas
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