Can i not drive my cunt home
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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