What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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