Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
