It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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