I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
