I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I need water and some morals
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
