hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize