Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just pee around me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
