Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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